negative thinking

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I’m not a negative person- but completing the Employment & Support Allowance form is ‘DEMORALISING’, REALLY, DEMORALAZISING !!! why has my spell check stopped working? I need that to check my spelling. Maybe it only checks lower case not capitals.

Anyhow this form ‘the Capability for Work Questionnaire‘ is dire. How many negative things can I be made to think about as I am trying to go to sleep at night.

On the last page of the form it says ‘ if any of your carers, friends or relatives want to add any information they can do so. This may be because they know the effects your disability, illness or health condition have on how you can do things on a daily basis.’ so when my husband writes a page to offer his support to my form. But then I see if laid out in black and white, all the issues from his perspective. My falls, my memory loss, how he finishes my sentences (much to my annoyance). All the things he now helps with that once I took for granted, like shopping, cooking, changing the bed- getting me out of the bath :(. (I soon decided showers were the future).

So rereading how much I have changed over the past few years- it is upsetting for me to read & upsetting for him to write. Stirs up all sorts of anxieties for both of us & really doesn’t help the sleeping.

My goodness these forms can bring my problems, how I manage on a daily basis with my M S to a head. Terms such as – loss of balance, tripping on steps, falling, weakness in legs, not been able to get out of the bath, saddle paresis, neuralgic pain, fatigue, some days can hardly talk, eye sight when tired can be jerky, speech slurred, memory problems, thinking clearly, quickly enough, frustration, depressed as not as quick witted as used to be, having to cope with MS and son with autism, very stressed!, bladder – ( that’s yet another can of worms), let me down 6 times this yr!!!. then sometimes can’t go- messages don’t transmit. Few spasms now and then, bite my tounge.

The questions are very thorough- with some sections on ‘physical functions,’ and some on ‘Mental , cognative and intellectaual capabilities’. I can feel I have issues with both these days, but it’s shit having to be reminded about them all & so graphically, in extreme detail.

I understand that is the only way to know peoples circumstances, but even with so much information I fear I will be sent for an appeal like last time- five yrs ago. It is bad enough having this crazy chronic condition without having to decide in minor detail can I lift a 2 pint litre of milk!!

So that is rather a bleak few days. My arms are buzzing- I will aim to make a cuppa and look at the clock to see if its time for a snifter!!

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